“When it’s a special occasion, then I will use my mother’s china dishes.” This is an example of when/then thinking. I don’t use the dishes until there’s a holiday. It’s remarkable how much this mindset has reduced the joy I let myself experience as an adult! “When my body looks a certain way, then I’ll buy those cute clothes.” “When I’ve fixed my home, then I’ll have friends over for a meal.” When/then thinking used to serve a function in my life but now it’s left me stuck.
When/Then Served A Purpose
As a young person, motivating myself to complete things that were necessary but not fun, required when/then thinking. As a teacher, I used it with my students. “When you finish your assignment, then you can choose one of these fun activities.” But as an adult, this mindset has left me frozen in the “when” phase, in parts of my life.
Why Doesn’t When/Then Work Now?
The “whens” are more complicated now and require a lot of effort to complete. They aren’t as simple as “do your chores and then have a treat.” Redecorating my home or saving for a vacation are difficult multi-step goals that will require time. Should I deny myself the “then” part of the equation for an indefinite amount of time? If I do, I stay lodged in a life where simple pleasures are out of reach in the distance.
We Are Worthy
The other reason I might be stuck in the “when” phase, is feeling like I don’t deserve to use the good dishes if I don’t have company over. It reminds me of a family that I knew growing up who had plastic covering their living room furniture and never allowed anyone to use that room unless they were special guests. Even the family that lived there didn’t use the room without guests. Don’t we deserve nice dishes and a lovely living room?
Bring On The Joy
I think that the when/then mindset has outlived its usefulness in my life. I will be using the good dishes, and finding a way to take a cheaper weekend holiday (while I save for the more expensive trip abroad). I will wear the cute clothes and invite my friends over. Life really is too short to deny ourselves these delights.
Retired, And Now What? 