The minute I get into the bathroom, my phone rings. It’s almost like it has a sixth sense that I’m not available. Maybe this happens to you? But how often do you call the person back, and start with an apology? “Sorry, I missed your call.”
Wait a minute there! Am I apologizing for not being available 24/7 to answer my phone?
Women Over-Apologize
A recent phone-in show on CBC radio, and an article in The Harvard Business Review* were examining the fact that women over-apologize more than men in the workplace. A University of Waterloo, Canada study found that women tend to apologize more often because they have a lower threshold than men for what they consider offensive.** Women say sorry for things that men do not consider a problem, and they do it for various reasons that may affect how others perceive them.
Motivated By Perfectionism and Needing To Be Liked
“Sometimes we might apologize because we feel guilty even though we have no reason to.”* There’s the apology for returning an email or text later than you had intended, even though there was no deadline. (Holding yourself responsible for a “perfect” timeline that only you are aware of.) There’s asking for forgiveness when you need someone to clarify their ideas. (You apologize for not hearing them or understanding what they said.) Then, there’s a Canadian classic of saying sorry to the person who ran over your foot with their shopping cart! Do you recognize any of these situations?
I’ve even apologized for having plans on a day that friends wanted me to meet them. Why can’t we say we’re busy that day without starting with an apology?
Sorry, why does it matter?
Over-apologizing can become a habit. “Interestingly, you actually seem more blameworthy by apologizing than by not apologizing.”*
Tara Swart, neuroscientist, Forbes contributor and author of the book, The Source: Open Your Mind, Change Your Life says serial apologists mostly do so out of habit, perhaps stemming from a childhood where they were made to feel wrong or fearful of punishment. According to Swart, “Apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.”**
When there is a real reason to be sorry, your apology carries more weight if it’s not an over-apologizing habit.
Breaking The Sorry Habit
When something is out of your control, there is no need to take responsibility for it and apologize. Traffic happens, weather happens, lives are busy, and everyone needs to eat and sleep. Holding yourself to a standard of never being late, and always being available, is very stressful and unrealistic.
Now that I’m aware of this, I’m trying to break the habit. I’m amazed by how many times I almost issue a “sorry,” and have to think of a more suitable substitute. But, the payoff is worth it. With less apologizing, comes less stress and more self-confidence.
I’m learning to be more comfortable with being “imperfect” and not always being able to please everyone, one phone call at a time. “Hey, thanks for calling me. What’s up?”
Here are some useful phrases to use instead of “sorry:”
- Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it that day.
- Excuse me, could you repeat that?
- Thank you for waiting for me.**
*https://hbr.org/2023/08/stop-over-apologizing-at-work
***https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412
What was things have you over-apologized for ? Comment below.
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