I was listening to therapist, KC Davis on a podcast this morning,* when she said something that was mind-blowing to me. When we were kids, we were raised to finish our chores first and then we’d get to play. Rest was seen as a reward for getting our work done. Davis pointed out that as a kid our chore list was finite: do your homework and clean your room. The problem is that as a woman and a teacher the list of jobs is infinite. Yes, it never ends. We feel that we don’t deserve to rest until we’ve done all the things, but there is no end to the things. We are really in a bind.
Differences Between Genders
My question is, if all kids were raised that way why don’t most boys grow up to feel that they need to earn rest the way many women do? Why is there a gender difference? I grew up with a mom who was always busy getting things done and a father who had time for hobbies and reading. We watched our moms stay busy and we assumed that it was expected of all women. Society certainly reinforced our assumptions. The extra work creates a big stress gap between men and women, that in turn causes many health issues for women.**
Busyness Rewarded
As a teacher, my job was never done. I could always find more interesting resources, add to my lessons with new books and tools, and spend more time assessing, marking and contacting parents. The list was infinite. As a fellow teacher pointed out, it’s a self-fulfilling pattern. If you do more, the teaching goes smoother and the students learn more, and so you do even more. But where is the end so that we can rest?
Waiting To Rest
In my case, it happened when I retired. I could finally rest and relax from school work without feeling guilty. But what if I’d realized when I was working that I had a right to rest? I would have been a lot less stressed. Ironically, this might have given me more patience and made me a better teacher without all those extras I spent hours working on. (Hindsight can be very annoying.)
Prioritize Your Right To Rest
As women, it’s time to prioritize rest and relaxation as a part of our lives that we deserve, and not earn.*** We get to eat the cookie first and do the chores second. We get to put down the laundry and read a book. We don’t have to finish the to-do list before we go to sleep. No more working hard to earn our rest. Enjoy recreation as if you were entitled to it, because you are.
*Click here to listen to therapist KC Davis on the Mel Robbins’ Podcast, Sept 11, 2023.
**https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/14/smarter-living/stress-gap-women-men.html
Retired, And Now What? 