There’s a terrible joke, that I only half remember, where a guy makes an excuse for turning up to an event without a gift. He says, “I am the gift, babe.” It comes across as incredibly conceited that his attendance is the best gift. Or, is it? For years now, engaged couples have been trying to get this message across on their wedding invitations: “your presence at our wedding is present enough.” And yet, guest still sheepishly show up with a gift. No one seems to truly believe that their attendance alone has worth. It feels very uncomfortable to turn up without bringing value in the form of a present.
To Arrive Empty-Handed
I wrestled with this idea recently, when I was meeting a friend for the first time. Making friends is hard as an adult, very hard. I wanted to show my appreciation and my immediate thought was that I needed to bring her a gift. It wasn’t her birthday or a holiday. I just wanted her to know that I valued her company. As the day of our coffee meet-up drew closer, I considered whether bringing a gift would be the best choice. I asked myself, “How would I feel if she gave me a gift?” The answer is … awkward.
I was looking forward to seeing her in person and giving her my full attention, as I knew she would give me. Gifts would be unnecessary and distracting, almost like an apology. To feel compelled to give a gift under these circumstances felt like I wasn’t confident about myself. It was as if I needed something else to add worth to our meeting because my presence wasn’t sufficient.
Undivided Attention Is Tremendously Valuable
I know that giving someone your undivided attention is valuable. My life coach training showed me that active listening, eye contact, getting curious and showing genuine interest in others is extremely valuable. Active listening is something that is in short supply in modern life. I’m confident about the value of presence in work-related interactions.
“…by your mere positive presence and without giving any advice, you can sometimes help to regulate another person’s physiology, reduce stress and anxiety, and make a positive impact on their life.”*
Material Gifts Are Not Valued By All
I also understand that “gifts” can come in many forms, not just material objects. According to Gary Chapman, who identified 5 love languages:
“If you dig into the concept that what makes one person feel loved does not make another person feel loved, you will discover that giving gifts doesn’t sleep as deeply with everyone,” Chapman said. “If you realize six of the 10 people in your circle prefer words of affirmation and would appreciate a thoughtful card over a material item, you won’t feel as much of a need to spend money on a fancy present.”***
Reframing My Thinking
I’m learning to apply my understanding of the value of being present with someone, to my social interactions outside of work. Next time we meet, if I don’t bring a gift, know that I will feel awkward, but I will also be giving you my undivided attention.
Do you wrestle with the impulse to buy friends gifts? Comment below.
***https://hbr.org/2020/12/why-am-i-so-obsessed-with-giving-people-gifts
Retired, And Now What? 
It is hard to break the habit of gift giving.
Tomorrow we’re going to a birthday party for our niece’s children, 1-year-old twins and a 3-year old. On the party invitation, they specifically requested no gifts because they’re trying to instill in their children that the presence of friends and family is more important than material things. I love that! I told her I wish I had done that when our kids were small.
We decided to mark the children’s birthdays by making a donation to a charity that provides filled backpacks for back to school for children in need.
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