All change is saying yes to the new thing and also, saying no to the old. When I retired, I was saying hello to a new exciting, chapter of my life. But, as with many hellos that I’ve had over the years, I didn’t see all the goodbyes until much later. I’m experiencing desiderium: a recognition that something that I once had is gone.
Retirement Goodbyes
After the retirement celebrations and the initial joy of having the freedom to spend my time as I wished, a creeping sense of loss popped up. I expected that I would miss my colleagues and being a teacher. Changing my identity and how I connected with friends were the goodbyes that I was aware of at the time. However, as retirement continues I didn’t realize that I had said goodbye to other less obvious parts of my life.
Forbes magazine noted that, “because retirement is painted as this perfect time of life where everything is fun, simple and easy, their feelings [the retired person’s] are minimized instead of supported causing them to deal with grief for longer periods of time.” It’s important to recognize and mourn the retiree’s losses as a normal part of the process.*
You Notice It By It’s Absence
Not unlike passing the playground when my daughter became a teen and realizing that we no longer go in there for her to play, many changes in life happen quietly, without fanfare. We didn’t know at the time that we had just had our last playtime in the park. These realizations hit us in retrospect. As Joni Mitchell wrote, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone.” Although I saw the precise ending of my teaching job when I walked out of the school for the final time, I didn’t recognize the other more subtle goodbyes.
Goodbye Old Daily Life
It was a goodbye to a routine of getting up at a certain time of day and coming home at a certain time. Simple things like listening to the morning show on the car radio. There was predictability in my schedule within each day, week and season. Ask me what will happen in November, and I’d tell you I’d be writing report cards. In retirement, there is no predictable schedule. The routine of seeing the same people every day or week, and of travelling the same route to work is gone. I didn’t realize that I felt loss over that until I visited my old school recently and saw how much the once familiar neighbourhood had changed: the Tim Horton’s was closed and new buildings had sprung up. It was a flash of desiderium.
Honouring The Past And Stepping Into The Future
As I age, change means acknowledging the doors closing on one stage of my life, while opening to new hellos. It’s important to honour the end to the old ways of doing things, so that I can move on to the new things. Holding onto the old would mean standing at the door and never opening it. Recognizing that my days of listening to the morning show and driving through construction to get to work on time are over, is not too hard to let go of. In retirement, the big changes of identity and connections with others have been more challenging for me. This little change, snuck up on me unexpectedly. There will be other goodbyes waiting to pop up in my future. I expect them as part of the nature of change.
When have you been hit by an unexpected sense of loss for something (not someone) that was once part of your life? Comment below.
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Hi Caroline, I can certainly relate to this post!!! I retired two years ago and the one thing I thought I would not miss is the accountability (to someone or something). I am a people-pleaser and will go to great lengths not to disappoint someone else. Conversely, I am terrible at doing things and creating habits just for me…I thrive on external accountability and that’s gone now. I have yet to figure out how to address that in retirement.
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Hello Sharon, External accountability is something that the workplace has tonnes of and it can feel so exhausting day in and day out while you’re working. It’s a surprise when we realize that that we miss it to some extent. It makes sense that this nuance of retirement would take at least a year or so to surface for you, because it’s not the most obvious goodbye. Figuring out what external accountability will look like now is a worthy goal to move forward towards in retirement.
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