Bittersweet has to be one of the most painful emotions that I’ve experienced. Moments that brought it on included my retirement, my daughter leaving for university, and when we moved homes. These are major life events that change things forever, but have at their core both joy and grief.
Feeling The Confusion Of Bittersweet
It’s confusing to feel what I think of as two opposite emotions at the same time. When I was excited about life after I retired, I also felt a huge sense of loss for the life I had. When I shared in the joy that my daughter felt, about going to study at the university of her choice, I also felt guilty for hating that she was leaving. Bittersweet is a confusing rollercoaster of emotions!
Emotions That Repel And Attract
For a long time, scientists* grouped emotions into negative and positive ones. If the emotion repelled you and made you want to avoid it (grief, pain, fear), then it was labelled as negative. If it was an emotion that attracted you such as, joy, excitement, or peace, it was considered a positive emotion. We often think of emotions this way, as if we experience them one at a time on a spectrum from good to bad.
Complex Mixed Emotions
Our lived experiences will tell us that this is not reality. We often have a jumble of emotions at one time. Experiencing bittersweet is such an intense combination of positive and negative emotion at once that it’s impossible to fit it into a binary model. No one can tell a parent helping their child move into their dorm at university, that it’s a wholly positive experience. It’s one where you smile while you’re doing it, and then cry all the way home.
Are we quickly flipping between the emotions: suppressing one to feel the other? Or do we feel mixed emotions all at once? Scientists are still researching how the brain experiences mixed emotions,* but, there are some strategies that help us to navigate an onslaught of bittersweet, or other such mixed emotion.
Best practices for processing bittersweet times:
- Feel those emotions without judging them.** That means not feeling guilty for mourning your old house and neighbourhood when you move. It’s ok to have mixed emotions. In fact, it’s a sign of being an adult with “more advanced emotional regulation and understanding.”*
- Find moments of peace each day.** Even if it’s only 20 minutes to go for a walk, read a book, do a sudoku, or play with your cat. It’s time for your brain to process the emotions.
- Talk about it, or not.** Whether you feel relief by talking about your feelings with a supportive person is a wholly personal thing. Do it if it helps you. I found it helpful to check in with people who were in the same situation, or who had experienced it. It felt good to know my feelings were normal.
- Organize one thing.** Organizing a closet, or a kitchen drawer, or a book shelf, can help your brain feel more in control and calmer. It doesn’t matter what you choose to organize, just do ONLY one thing at a time. This is not the time to stress yourself out by starting three different organizational projects!
Feeling the intensity of bittersweet – that constant push and pull between joy and loss – is an exhausting experience. As I adjusted to my new life situation, the swings of emotion eventually slowed down and became less intense. I found that bittersweet tempers over time to a quiet nostalgia.
What’s your most recent experience with bittersweet? Comment below.
Retired, And Now What? 
Oh, I feel this right now Caroline! Our younger daughter is moving to PEI at the end of this month. I’m excited for her because she has a terrific job opportunity, but I’m sad that our nest will now officially be empty, and she’ll be so far away. We’ve been sorting through and packing her things which is bringing back so many memories. Yes, bittersweet indeed!
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Thanks for sharing your experience, Michelle. Empty-nesting has all the heightened emotions: excited for her new life and all the wonderful opportunities open to her, and missing her greatly at the same time. It’s the start of a new season of life for you both.
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