I don’t think I’d even heard of the concept of consent until I was well into my adult years. The idea that everyone, regardless of their status and power, has the right to choose how others interact with them, was something that had been a vague, undefined concept in my mind.
I was raised at a time when children were expected to kiss their aunties and uncles hello, whether they wanted to or not. Children were not asked to consent. Anyone in a position of less power or status, whether they were a child, a person doing a low-paying job, or a family pet, was not asked to consent to the actions of others. That their wishes should be considered as a sign of mutual respect, often didn’t even occur us.
It’s For The Kids
These days, I wonder if this old perspective of not considering consent, is what accounts for the “I’m doing it for the kids” projects that some people embark on later in life? I hear from folks who are writing their memoirs for their grandkids, or collecting figurines to give to their children. But, I’m betting that the prospective recipients were never consulted: no one deemed it necessary. One day, the recipients will have to cope with the guilt and resentment of getting rid of all that stuff that they didn’t want, that was given to them without their consent.
Do It For Your Own Joy
I’m all for passion projects but I wonder why we can’t just claim them for ourselves? “I’m doing it for me!” These quilts are my creativity flourishing. This refinished table is something I will enjoy sitting at. This memoir is helping me understand myself. It’s ok to enjoy them for yourself, without any other reason.
A Legacy With Consent
The need to create a legacy makes sense. Having something that survives beyond ourselves is a strong need for many people. But, can we include consent in the process?
If They Accept:
Ask the kids if they would like to have this, with no pressure attached. If they honestly answer yes, that’s wonderful! But, perhaps the kids would like to choose one item from your collection, instead of taking the whole thing. Allow yourself to be ok with this because you will have respected their wishes and developed a stronger bond with them. They choose something that’s meaningful to them without the guilt and resentment of being forced to take everything. It will be a cherished memento of your relationship.
If They Decline:
If they decline the entire collection or project, that’s also wonderful! Now, you know that you need to plan where and how your project will be used instead of assuming that it will go to the kids. There are other places that your work might find a home: a museum, another relative, a self-published memoir, or living as a blog on the internet. Your collection of stamps, baseball cards, figurines, coins, or antique glassware can be enjoyed by you and then gradually sold by you. The money raised can easily be distributed to a charity, a relative, or used by you for your next project.
Consent Builds Respect
Knowing who you’re doing your project for, and where your special collections will be going, shows respect for your passion projects and your relatives.
What’s been your experience of being the recipient of a relatives’ collections or projects? Comment below.
Retired, And Now What? 
This is timely as I’ve spent the last several weeks sorting through stuff in my daughter’s room as she prepares to move to Australia. So many of the things we got rid of were given to her as gifts. When she was small, she loved Harry Potter and went through an “owl” phase. I can’t tell you how many owl figurines we boxed up to donate. After this exercise, I have resolved to NEVER gift another figurine, collectible, or knick-knack.
Something else I need to address are old photo albums. I was an avid scrapbooker which was great because I chose the “best of” the digital photos for the scrapbooks. My daughters enjoy looking through those books. But all the old albums from before my scrapbooking days contain all the photos I took. I know there’s opportunity to pare down and consolidate. Sounds like a winter project to me.
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Photographs are one of the toughest items to deal with. They are precious to those who know the people in them and the memories that they capture. Without a caption to explain their significance, photos often don’t hold any meaning to the next generations. A great Winter project to dig into!
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